There was another time in my life

I have been listening to Relient K a lot lately. The Birds and the Bee Sides is quickly become my favorite album. Their lyrics are so uplifting and positive. I can't wait to take Fenix to see them! 

"I know that I've come a long way
My heart's headed in the right place
But sometimes your past's hard to face
But now I know you

 There was another time in my life
Before I knew you

 I sailed through the high winds and waves
I wondered if I could be saved
But I have emerged unscathed
Because I know you

 There was another time in my life
Before I knew you

 Before I knew you
Before I could see
That you could take all my troubles from me
Before I knew you
I was so incomplete"

I love when songs apply directly to your past circumstances.
I never want to become the person I once was. I have changed so much of myself to reflect who I want to be, from the way I talk, what I listen to and how I dress. Just because Fenix isn't around, doesn't mean that I get the opportunity to turn the filter off. The way I see it, the filter is permanently on.  I want my son to learn through my actions and the most important of those are that I truly love God and that I am also deeply in love with my husband.

I am a representative of Christ.


That is a big responsibility and I unfortunately fall every day. I am not perfect and I never will be. People are going to make a snap judgement of my faith just by looking at or talking with me.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Thanks to God's everlasting grace, I am saved and my sins are washed away.

I have already lost friends along the way on my quest to be a woman of God and I may lose more. I am all about quality versus quantity so I am okay with losing more. I want my friends to have a desire in their heart to love the Lord. I want positive, uplifting people around my son. I want my friends to support and help strengthen my relationship with God and I pray that I can do the same.

I have prayed that I would be surrounded by God fearing and God loving women and God has answered my prayers! To all the Christian mamas I have met in the last few months, thank you, for being you.


Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit 
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

The hardest thing I have ever gone through

It is incredibly hard for me to do this but I feel like I need to. I need to get it off my chest. I had half of this typed out but I erased it because I wasn't I ready. I need to stop hiding like it is something to be shameful of. Everything is part of God's plan, especially trials. I truly believe this trial made me appreciate life so much more and to never, not even for a single day or moment, take anything for granted. And, like I said before, I intend on keeping it real.

When Matt and I got married we knew we wanted to have children. That was discussed very often through out our relationship. I dreamed of the day that I would become pregnant. To hear my baby's heartbeat during an ultrasound, to see my belly grow big and to feel their kicks. I could think of nothing better. 

Since I was little all I have ever wanted was to become a mom. A lot of children dream of becoming doctors, ballerinas, firefighters, etc. I wanted to grow up and be a mom. I always had a "baby" with me every where I went. I also loved pushing my babies in strollers, feeding them, dressing them and pretending I really was a mom. Some people know they were born to do something like sing, dance, act, etc. I knew I was born to be a mom.

After we got married, we weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either. Months went by and... nothing. I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying that I would get pregnant. Considering we were young and healthy I figured that it should happen fairly easy and without us trying. That is, where I believe, God saw a perfect opportunity to teach me about faith, patience and trust.

After 6 months had gone by I started getting worried. I should have gone to the Dr. just to make sure I was okay. That would have been the smart thing to do but no. If I went to the Dr. then he would tell me what was wrong. I knew something was wrong and by not going to Dr. I was avoiding the issue and then it didn't exist. Instead I stressed about it and cried. A lot. I felt broken and so alone. This was my dream above all others.

Finally, after almost a year, I finally got the courage to go see someone. I found my OB by looking at my insurance's website and his was the first name that came up. It definitely was not a coincidence and God definitely chose him for a reason.

I had to go alone because Matt had to work. I was really hesitant about going by myself but I didn't want to reschedule because I just wanted to get this all over with. I met with the Dr. and explained to him why I was there and gave him my whole health story. He suggested an ultrasound to possibly figure out what was going on. After that was done we went back to his office to discuss the results.

I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

All I knew was that poly meant many, cysts are never good and it was a syndrome. Everything about it's name terrified me. I tried to listen to what he was saying but I had a million thoughts running through my head. The room went blurry and I felt lightheaded. What did this mean? Would I ever be able to have kids? We could never afford IVF or adoption. I may never be a mother.

I asked him if they were tumors and would I need to have them removed? Luckily the answer was no. He did say that it would be hard to become pregnant and that in order to do so I need to start taking the medicine Metformin and after that I would start Clomid. He said that depending on how the medicine works, I could be seeing him in a month, a few months or even a year. I left the office and I was terrified. I have never heard of this before and I had no idea if it was common, what the odds were of having children, what it meant for my quality of life. I should of asked the Dr. these questions but I was a little overwhelmed so I did what any smart person would do: go on the internet! I will never recommend that, ever. Of course I was inundated with the worst case scenario. I went on forums of women who had it and my future was looking very bleak. Some women have never gotten pregnant after years and years of trying, a lot of women had multiple miscarriages and some had unsuccessful IVF procedures. Great. Even if I did become pregnant I had a higher rate of having a miscarriage just because I had PCOS. The only comfort I found was that it was very common and affects 1 out of 15 women.

After I had processed everything, surprisingly, I wasn't angry or upset. I was actually at peace. I knew my God loved me and that he knew my heart's deepest desires. I would not accept that He would take something that meant so much to me and make it a complete impossibility. I loved Him too much to see him as anything but loving and full of grace. I had to have faith and trust. It also felt good to know what was wrong and that it could have been so much worse. I was actually thankful that this was all I had to get through.

So I started taking Metformin to help regulate my "monthly times" a few days after Christmas.

New Years came and I remember having just a few sips of alcohol. For some reason, it just didn't sit well with me. I thought that was strange but didn't think much of it. A few weeks after that the random spells of nausea started. They happened maybe once a day, a few times a week. I also thought that maybe the medicine I was taking wasn't agreeing with me. Because I was not feeling like my normal self I scheduled an appointment with my OB because I wanted to make sure everything was okay and I was thinking the medicine may not be working.

Well we got the surprise of our life when the doctor told us I was pregnant. I  may have even said a few obscenities because I was in complete and utter shock. This wasn't supposed to happen this easily. This should have taken months, if not years to happen. I really thought I was dreaming. I had never felt that amount of joy and excitement in my whole life. It felt like someone shot an adrenaline needle in my heart.

Throughout my pregnancy, I tried so hard to not complain. I never wanted it to seem like I was ungrateful because I wasn't. I was so beyond ecstatic and so proud to be pregnant. Even though I gained about 40 pounds and was so incredibly puffy from all the water I was retaining, I had never felt more beautiful in my life. This was a gift and a miracle.

God taught me so much and used this time to bring me closer to Him and to establish the relationship I have always wanted with Him. I was saved in 2004 but up until this point my walk with God was always up and down. I was either on fire for God or I was not acknowledging Him at all. I needed a catalyst to ignite the desire that had always been there. Since I became pregnant I can proudly say that my relationship with Him has never been stronger and I have never been happier. I am finally becoming the woman of God, wife and now mother that I have always wanted to be.

I recognize that this is very personal and some may say that this is something that I should have kept private. I can't keep something like this hidden knowing that there are other women out there that may be dealing with what I went through or something similar. I want them to know that they are not alone and there is hope. It is nothing to be ashamed of and God makes no mistakes.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I love LOVE. I love being in LOVE

I am pretty blessed.

I got to spend the whole day with two of my favorite people in the whole world.

I woke up this morning to this face.

How can you have a bad day when you wake up to this face? You can't. You are destined to have a fantastically awesome day. 

Then the little Mr. decided that he would, you know, just SIT UP. By himself. For the first time. No big deal. He looks pleased as punch!

My heart broke into a million little pieces. My baby is growing up.

Then Fenix and Matt cuddled.

And Matt made awesome silly faces.

Oh, didn't I tell you? We like to eat our son. He is delicious.

Fenix attacking daddy.

Fenix and his famous bottom lip. He gives Bubba from Forrest Gump a run for his money.

Not so patiently waiting for our table.

My oh so squishy Valentine. 

Don't mind my awkwardly placed hand, the fact that I look like poop and that my son looks nothing like me. Except his eyes. THOSE ARE ALL MINE.

Jacque the peacock only mildly entertaining Fenix. 

My son has a mo-hawk. 

I want to do lots of fun things with Fenix to celebrate little holidays but he is so little that a piece of paper will fill him with joy. I can't wait until next Valentine's Day. I will be showering my boy with lots of love: heart shaped pancakes, yummy treats, a goodie bag with little toys and possibly a picnic in the park. I am obviously very excited to actually do things with my son. I have so many years to do stuff like that but for now, he is my little tiny baby and I will settle for just cuddles and kisses.

Keeping it real

So I have updated the blog a lot in the past few weeks. I also deleted almost every post from 2010. To be quite honest, almost all of them were quite terrible. I really don't know where I was trying to go with my blog. I even considered deleting this one and starting up a new one but that would take way more work than I have time for. Who am I kidding? I have no time. The only time I ever get to myself to watch tv, surf the web, blog or think is after 8pm. So because I have so little time to myself the last thing I want to do is start a blog from scratch. Just thinking about it is making me tired. 

Now that all the horrible posts have been purged I feel like I can start over. With that comes a promise, that from now on, I will be keeping it real. Meaning I will be giving it to you straight. Giving what exactly? Well, my life. I will be challenging myself to discuss things I have never wanted to, like my past for example. Oh, how I could go on for days about all the ruckus I have caused.  

I don't ever want it to seem like I think I am perfect, that my marriage is perfect or even that my son is perfect (Although, have you seen his thighs? Pretty close to perfection if you ask me). Blogs sometimes seem to only portray the good. I will now be documenting the good, the bad, the terrible and just how awful poopy diapers can be once you introduce solids. For the record, they are worse than you could possibly imagine. I refrain from posting anything about what goes in diapers on Facebook but this is my domain. So if you don't want to read about poop or the like than you will hate my blog. And that's okay.

I am learning that I can not and will not please everyone. I have opinions and not everyone will agree. In fact, as long as it is done without being hurtful, I am completely open to opposing views. I will never know everything about a topic so I am always up for learning something new.

I am really excited to start this new adventure, so to speak. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. It took me almost 25 years to get to this point and I am so proud of who I have become.

Mom Guilt

Note: I will be discussing some hot topic issues. I in no way intend to start a debate nor do I mean to bash any opposing views. I researched and prayed about all of these issues. This is how I feel and I am entitled to my views and opinions. Respect mine and I will respect yours.


My son is only 4 months old and I can't count the number of times when I have been completely overwhelmed with guilt.

When I became pregnant I was obsessed with researching everything and anything. I took my prenatal vitamins religiously. I probably had a few sips of soda through out my whole pregnancy. I ate lots of vegetables and rarely ate fast food. I made sure to not get stressed out because I didn't want it to affect the baby. I did everything I thought I should do to make sure that Fenix would be healthy. If I ate or did anything that wasn't deemed perfect, I stressed about it. Mom guilt was already affecting me and I had no idea!

Well he was born the picture of health but mom guilt came back full force when I was still in the hospital. I was breastfeeding and I had it in my mind that there was no way that I would give my baby formula. No matter what it took, how much pain I was in or how exhausted I was, I was going to breastfeed my baby! Well, it was going really well but Fenix was not getting full and eating every hour or so, leaving me utterly sleep deprived. The lactation consultant told me that I should supplement formula to keep him full. I was shocked that a lactation consultant was telling me to feed my baby formula! Weren't they supposed to be 100% about breastfeeding? The thought of giving my baby formula left me feeling defeated. I was obviously doing something wrong and I was letting my son down. Luckily, we had the sweetest, patient and incredibly informed nurses. On our last day we had a nurse named Rose. She explained that the only reason we would be giving him formula would be to top him off. It would in no way replace breastfeeding him but it would act like dessert; we would only give him a little bit after he was done nursing so that way he would get full. It literally changed our lives! My child was FULL! Mama was happy and baby was happy. That guilt only lasted two days.

When I was pregnant and we found out we were expecting a boy the topic of circumcision came up. My family hasn't had a boy in over 30 years so I was completely unfamiliar when it came to boys in general. I just thought that circumcision is what you do when you have a boy. It really wasn't a question and I never once researched it, which was not a wise move on my part. Also, Matt's family is all boys and circumcision is something his parents strongly believe in and they encouraged us to do so as well.

After Fenix was born we discussed with nurses how to properly take care of Fenix after the procedure. Slowly, I started thinking about what they were going to be doing to my baby and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is going to to be in extreme pain. Just the idea of him being in a minute amount of pain made me want to throw up and scream. My mama instincts kicked in and I couldn't bare to see my child in pain. I am supposed to protect my child from harm, not inflict pain on him. I cried a lot during the days leading up to his appointment. Just thinking about it brought me to tears. Matt felt very strongly about getting it done. It was something we were going to do and that was that.

A week after he was born we drove to his appointment and I cried the entire way. I felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest while simultaneously being punched in the stomach. We waited in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity and I cried and cried and cried some more. We got called in and we met with my OB/GYN (they also perform circumcisions). I really LOVE my OB. I absolutely trust him and if it wasn't for him Fenix would not be here but that is a whole different story for a separate post. When he came in, Matt told him that he would be staying and that I would wait outside. Our Dr. said that he does not recommend that parents stay in the room while the procedure is done. He explained that it is not pretty and it is traumatizing for parents to witness. I felt sick. If just seeing the procedure is traumatic then how the heck are these poor babies feeling? Misery, torture, unrelenting agony? No. This felt so wrong that I wanted to take my baby and run far away. I looked over at Matt and he looked like he was changing his mind after hearing what the doctor said. He told us that the decision was ultimately up to us and he didn't want us to make that choice unless we were certain. He said that he would give us some time to think about it and when we made our decision he would come back. As soon as he left the room we got on our phones and started researching the pros and cons. Twenty minutes later and I was still against it and Matt was still unsure. We talked with our Dr. and we had a week to come to a resolution. Once babies reach 2 weeks any Doctor won't perform the procedure because nerve endings have formed and it would then be really painful instead of just "kind of painful". We made a follow up appointment for a week after just in case.

That week was one of the most stressful of my life. Matt I discussed it multiple times a day and I couldn't talk about it without bawling my eyes out. I didn't want to do it. Period. I begged Matt to make up his mind and decide that we weren't doing it. I had knots in my stomach. It was just awful. When it comes to making decisions for my child it should not feel this wrong and I should not feel the way I felt. I am well aware that certain choices would cause my son pain like vaccinations but I could justify that pain. He needs those shots so he can be protected from life threatening illnesses. When it came down to it, other than for personal hygiene, circumcision was a cosmetic procedure. Like a nose job or a face lift it is also not covered by insurance. It is a choice.

When Matt finally came to the conclusion that we weren't going to do it I nearly collapsed on the floor. I felt like I was underwater for way too long and I was now able to come to the surface and take a breath.

I wanted to make the best decision for my son and I can say without a doubt that I am happy with what we decided. This guilt lasted almost a week.

When Fenix was 2 months old we decided it was time for him to sleep in his bed (I talked about this briefly here.) There was no way on earth that our child was going to sleep in our bed for many reasons: SIDS, not wanting to be kicked/hit in the middle of the night, not having to worry about waking him up while we talked or watched tv and the most important, having one room in the whole house that is just ours.

The first night was excruciating. As soon as he started crying my first instinct was to go in his room, pick him up and comfort him. How in the world does a mother ignore that urge!? I just sat on the couch and my heart ached so badly that it actually caused me physical pain. Never in my life have I felt anything like it. This went on for 3 tormenting nights. On the fourth night I started putting on head phones and listening to music very loudly to drown out his cries. If I couldn't hear it then it didn't exist, right? Ignorance was truly bliss in this circumstance. I was still unsure about letting him cry it out. I read so many articles that said it was basically evil and that he wasn't going to learn how to trust us. However, I felt that if we kept going in his room that he would learn that all he had to was cry and mommy would come in. He had to learn to self soothe and go to sleep. I was so conflicted. Just like every other parenting decision, there was not a right answer. What may work for one family and sometimes each child, may not work for us. We had to do what works for us. As the nights went on Fenix started crying less and less. Fast forward to two weeks later and he was going down and crying for only a few minutes! This guilt lasted the longest: 2 weeks.

A reason I love blogging is that it can be so cathartic and therapeutic. I started this post with the intention of venting my frustration with mom guilt and how it can sometimes be detrimental to my growth as a mother. Now I am realizing that as tough as it was to make those decisions, in the end I always went with my gut and to this day I am still confident in what I chose. I also need to realize that I am much smarter than I give myself credit. I know there are going to be many tough choices throughout his life. As long as I am making well thought out and informed decisions that is all you can really ask for. Prayer also helps tremendously!

A dedication, birthday and a first meal.

My sweet Fenix is 4 months old today! I know I say this way too often but he is growing up too fast! It seems like yesterday he was a tiny, itty-bitty newborn and now he is so big that he weighs as much as an 8 month old! Yep, he weighs 19 pounds and is 25 3 /4 inches. He is HUGE!!

This past month he has learned so much that it blows me away. He is now able to move around in his walker. In a matter of seconds he can turn completely around, mostly to stare at the television (which he isn't allowed to watch, the little stinker). He also learned to grasp things. Anything that comes in his reach is fair game: my food, phone and his personal favorite, water bottles. We have bought him so many toys yet the water bottle fascinates and entertains him just as much if not more! He is also way more vocal and loves to have conversations, blow raspberries and yell for no apparent reason. 

He is still sleeping fantastic. He falls asleep at 7-7:30, wakes up a few times and officially is out around 10. Then he wakes up once or twice to eat and goes right back to sleep until 6-7. Then he stays up for an hour or so and goes back down for his big morning nap which last 2-3 hours.

Afternoon naps are still the same. He takes 2 naps and they never last more than 45 minutes. The only difference compared to last month is that he will let me put him down in his swing to nap which is UHmazing. 

We also had his dedication on January 29th. For those who don't know, we as Christians don't baptize our babies like Catholics do. We believe that all babies/children go to heaven and that being baptized is a personal decision. Instead we make a promise that we will raise him in accordance to God's word until he is old enough to make a decision to follow God.

The day was completely perfect and also beyond tiring. Planning parties and being a mom will leave you feeling exhausted like you have never known. 

The service started at 11am and our entire family came! We went on stage in front of everyone and my high school pastor Chad (he also married us) lead the prayer for Fenix. 

I can never convey how much of an honor and privilege it is to be a mother to Fenix. God chose us to raise, love and teach this sweet little baby. When we dedicated Fenix we took a vow before our family and God, much like our marriage vows. They are both promises that I take very seriously. 

We only got a few pictures at the church but majority were taken at the after party! There are a lot!

Seeing if Fenix would go to Chad.

Fenix absolutely loved him!

Oh and it was my 25th birthday! Best. Birthday. Ever.

This was my second favorite.

As you can see, Fenix is LOVED. I really can't imagine raising my son without God's help or our families.

To celebrate being a whole 4 months old, Fenix got to try rice cereal for the first time!! I have been DYING for Fenix to try food. My guy has one hearty appetite and I sometimes can't keep up. He also meets almost all of the milestones that babies should reach before they start food. I know some people say 6 months or longer if they are breastfed but when it comes to Fenix, I research everything and always go with my gut. You can start as early as 4 months and I know that he is ready. I am only going to feed him once a day to get him used to eating food. In a week I will introduce sweet potato, wait a few days and then try squash. After those veggies I will give him bananas and pears. I am also starting him on all organic food. Happybaby, Plum Organics, Earth's Best & Ella's Kitchen will be what I buy him. Every decision I make I wonder, "How will this impact Fenix?" I have to set a good example in everything I do and that includes good eating habits. 

This was his first official meal.

And here he is trying to figure out what the heck I am putting in his mouth.

First bite.

Whaaaat.

Still not sure.

mmmm.

I think he likes it.

Fingers taste better with cereal on them, duh.

Blowing raspberries.

...And he is done!

Overall he took to cereal really well. Within a few bites he knew what to do when the spoon came near. His grandmas and great-grandma were there to watch him. We were all laughing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing at him. Every little thing he does we celebrate!

So January and the first two days of February have been amazing. As cheesy as it sounds, every day with Fenix is a new adventure. I love being a mom and I am learning so much thanks to my son. I am proud of who I am today and it took me almost 25 years to get this point and I couldn't be happier!

"As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1:26-28