It is incredibly hard for me to do this but I feel like I need to. I need to get it off my chest. I had half of this typed out but I erased it because I wasn't I ready. I need to stop hiding like it is something to be shameful of. Everything is part of God's plan, especially trials. I truly believe this trial made me appreciate life so much more and to never, not even for a single day or moment, take anything for granted. And, like I said before, I intend on keeping it real.
When Matt and I got married we knew we wanted to have children. That was discussed very often through out our relationship. I dreamed of the day that I would become pregnant. To hear my baby's heartbeat during an ultrasound, to see my belly grow big and to feel their kicks. I could think of nothing better.
Since I was little all I have ever wanted was to become a mom. A lot of children dream of becoming doctors, ballerinas, firefighters, etc. I wanted to grow up and be a mom. I always had a "baby" with me every where I went. I also loved pushing my babies in strollers, feeding them, dressing them and pretending I really was a mom. Some people know they were born to do something like sing, dance, act, etc. I knew I was born to be a mom.
After we got married, we weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either. Months went by and... nothing. I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying that I would get pregnant. Considering we were young and healthy I figured that it should happen fairly easy and without us trying. That is, where I believe, God saw a perfect opportunity to teach me about faith, patience and trust.
After 6 months had gone by I started getting worried. I should have gone to the Dr. just to make sure I was okay. That would have been the smart thing to do but no. If I went to the Dr. then he would tell me what was wrong. I knew something was wrong and by not going to Dr. I was avoiding the issue and then it didn't exist. Instead I stressed about it and cried. A lot. I felt broken and so alone. This was my dream above all others.
Finally, after almost a year, I finally got the courage to go see someone. I found my OB by looking at my insurance's website and his was the first name that came up. It definitely was not a coincidence and God definitely chose him for a reason.
I had to go alone because Matt had to work. I was really hesitant about going by myself but I didn't want to reschedule because I just wanted to get this all over with. I met with the Dr. and explained to him why I was there and gave him my whole health story. He suggested an ultrasound to possibly figure out what was going on. After that was done we went back to his office to discuss the results.
I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
All I knew was that poly meant many, cysts are never good and it was a syndrome. Everything about it's name terrified me. I tried to listen to what he was saying but I had a million thoughts running through my head. The room went blurry and I felt lightheaded. What did this mean? Would I ever be able to have kids? We could never afford IVF or adoption. I may never be a mother.
I asked him if they were tumors and would I need to have them removed? Luckily the answer was no. He did say that it would be hard to become pregnant and that in order to do so I need to start taking the medicine Metformin and after that I would start Clomid. He said that depending on how the medicine works, I could be seeing him in a month, a few months or even a year. I left the office and I was terrified. I have never heard of this before and I had no idea if it was common, what the odds were of having children, what it meant for my quality of life. I should of asked the Dr. these questions but I was a little overwhelmed so I did what any smart person would do: go on the internet! I will never recommend that, ever. Of course I was inundated with the worst case scenario. I went on forums of women who had it and my future was looking very bleak. Some women have never gotten pregnant after years and years of trying, a lot of women had multiple miscarriages and some had unsuccessful IVF procedures. Great. Even if I did become pregnant I had a higher rate of having a miscarriage just because I had PCOS. The only comfort I found was that it was very common and affects 1 out of 15 women.
After I had processed everything, surprisingly, I wasn't angry or upset. I was actually at peace. I knew my God loved me and that he knew my heart's deepest desires. I would not accept that He would take something that meant so much to me and make it a complete impossibility. I loved Him too much to see him as anything but loving and full of grace. I had to have faith and trust. It also felt good to know what was wrong and that it could have been so much worse. I was actually thankful that this was all I had to get through.
So I started taking Metformin to help regulate my "monthly times" a few days after Christmas.
New Years came and I remember having just a few sips of alcohol. For some reason, it just didn't sit well with me. I thought that was strange but didn't think much of it. A few weeks after that the random spells of nausea started. They happened maybe once a day, a few times a week. I also thought that maybe the medicine I was taking wasn't agreeing with me. Because I was not feeling like my normal self I scheduled an appointment with my OB because I wanted to make sure everything was okay and I was thinking the medicine may not be working.
Well we got the surprise of our life when the doctor told us I was pregnant. I may have even said a few obscenities because I was in complete and utter shock. This wasn't supposed to happen this easily. This should have taken months, if not years to happen. I really thought I was dreaming. I had never felt that amount of joy and excitement in my whole life. It felt like someone shot an adrenaline needle in my heart.
Throughout my pregnancy, I tried so hard to not complain. I never wanted it to seem like I was ungrateful because I wasn't. I was so beyond ecstatic and so proud to be pregnant. Even though I gained about 40 pounds and was so incredibly puffy from all the water I was retaining, I had never felt more beautiful in my life. This was a gift and a miracle.
God taught me so much and used this time to bring me closer to Him and to establish the relationship I have always wanted with Him. I was saved in 2004 but up until this point my walk with God was always up and down. I was either on fire for God or I was not acknowledging Him at all. I needed a catalyst to ignite the desire that had always been there. Since I became pregnant I can proudly say that my relationship with Him has never been stronger and I have never been happier. I am finally becoming the woman of God, wife and now mother that I have always wanted to be.
I recognize that this is very personal and some may say that this is something that I should have kept private. I can't keep something like this hidden knowing that there are other women out there that may be dealing with what I went through or something similar. I want them to know that they are not alone and there is hope. It is nothing to be ashamed of and God makes no mistakes.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
After we got married, we weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either. Months went by and... nothing. I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying that I would get pregnant. Considering we were young and healthy I figured that it should happen fairly easy and without us trying. That is, where I believe, God saw a perfect opportunity to teach me about faith, patience and trust.
After 6 months had gone by I started getting worried. I should have gone to the Dr. just to make sure I was okay. That would have been the smart thing to do but no. If I went to the Dr. then he would tell me what was wrong. I knew something was wrong and by not going to Dr. I was avoiding the issue and then it didn't exist. Instead I stressed about it and cried. A lot. I felt broken and so alone. This was my dream above all others.
Finally, after almost a year, I finally got the courage to go see someone. I found my OB by looking at my insurance's website and his was the first name that came up. It definitely was not a coincidence and God definitely chose him for a reason.
I had to go alone because Matt had to work. I was really hesitant about going by myself but I didn't want to reschedule because I just wanted to get this all over with. I met with the Dr. and explained to him why I was there and gave him my whole health story. He suggested an ultrasound to possibly figure out what was going on. After that was done we went back to his office to discuss the results.
I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
All I knew was that poly meant many, cysts are never good and it was a syndrome. Everything about it's name terrified me. I tried to listen to what he was saying but I had a million thoughts running through my head. The room went blurry and I felt lightheaded. What did this mean? Would I ever be able to have kids? We could never afford IVF or adoption. I may never be a mother.
I asked him if they were tumors and would I need to have them removed? Luckily the answer was no. He did say that it would be hard to become pregnant and that in order to do so I need to start taking the medicine Metformin and after that I would start Clomid. He said that depending on how the medicine works, I could be seeing him in a month, a few months or even a year. I left the office and I was terrified. I have never heard of this before and I had no idea if it was common, what the odds were of having children, what it meant for my quality of life. I should of asked the Dr. these questions but I was a little overwhelmed so I did what any smart person would do: go on the internet! I will never recommend that, ever. Of course I was inundated with the worst case scenario. I went on forums of women who had it and my future was looking very bleak. Some women have never gotten pregnant after years and years of trying, a lot of women had multiple miscarriages and some had unsuccessful IVF procedures. Great. Even if I did become pregnant I had a higher rate of having a miscarriage just because I had PCOS. The only comfort I found was that it was very common and affects 1 out of 15 women.
After I had processed everything, surprisingly, I wasn't angry or upset. I was actually at peace. I knew my God loved me and that he knew my heart's deepest desires. I would not accept that He would take something that meant so much to me and make it a complete impossibility. I loved Him too much to see him as anything but loving and full of grace. I had to have faith and trust. It also felt good to know what was wrong and that it could have been so much worse. I was actually thankful that this was all I had to get through.
So I started taking Metformin to help regulate my "monthly times" a few days after Christmas.
New Years came and I remember having just a few sips of alcohol. For some reason, it just didn't sit well with me. I thought that was strange but didn't think much of it. A few weeks after that the random spells of nausea started. They happened maybe once a day, a few times a week. I also thought that maybe the medicine I was taking wasn't agreeing with me. Because I was not feeling like my normal self I scheduled an appointment with my OB because I wanted to make sure everything was okay and I was thinking the medicine may not be working.
Well we got the surprise of our life when the doctor told us I was pregnant. I may have even said a few obscenities because I was in complete and utter shock. This wasn't supposed to happen this easily. This should have taken months, if not years to happen. I really thought I was dreaming. I had never felt that amount of joy and excitement in my whole life. It felt like someone shot an adrenaline needle in my heart.
Throughout my pregnancy, I tried so hard to not complain. I never wanted it to seem like I was ungrateful because I wasn't. I was so beyond ecstatic and so proud to be pregnant. Even though I gained about 40 pounds and was so incredibly puffy from all the water I was retaining, I had never felt more beautiful in my life. This was a gift and a miracle.
God taught me so much and used this time to bring me closer to Him and to establish the relationship I have always wanted with Him. I was saved in 2004 but up until this point my walk with God was always up and down. I was either on fire for God or I was not acknowledging Him at all. I needed a catalyst to ignite the desire that had always been there. Since I became pregnant I can proudly say that my relationship with Him has never been stronger and I have never been happier. I am finally becoming the woman of God, wife and now mother that I have always wanted to be.
I recognize that this is very personal and some may say that this is something that I should have kept private. I can't keep something like this hidden knowing that there are other women out there that may be dealing with what I went through or something similar. I want them to know that they are not alone and there is hope. It is nothing to be ashamed of and God makes no mistakes.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing your heart! I too ha to have help with my oldest. Took us nine months and had to go through the temperature taking, taking the meds to regulate and a round of Clomid! Just a side note, doctor said the same thing would happen for the next one, but, got pregnant the first month and therefore, our noisy are only 20 months apart!
Thank you for sharing that Terri! It just goes to show that when God wants our babies to be born, there is nothing stopping Him! We have such an amazing God.
Love this! I love where God has taken you and what you've learned through! Its the personal that helps people, that reaches hearts. This made me cry happy tears! Great post my beautiful friend!!!
Aw Tess that really means a lot! Thank you! God is the ultimate teacher!!
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