So this is the new year...

I thought 2010 was the best year of my life.

I had NO idea what was in store for 2011.

It was another year of many firsts & it is overwhelming to think of all that I have experienced in ONE year.

In 2011,

 I celebrated one year of being a wife.

I found out I was pregnant.

I heard my baby's heartbeat & saw my baby move during the ultrasound for the first time.

I found out we were having a boy & cried. 

A lot.

I felt Fenix kick for the first time on Mother's Day. 

I watched my belly grow & grow every day.

I was so swollen & puffy for 3 months straight.

I was also 5 days overdue, which might as well have been 10 years.

I gave birth.

I fell deep in love with my son & fell in love all over again with my husband.

I became a mother.

We celebrated Fenix's first Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas.

I watched my son grow from a teeny tiny newborn to an incredibly chunky, smiley, healthy almost 3 month old.

And I loved and learned more than I could have ever thought possible.

I am not a fan of resolutions.

Instead I am just making promises.

To my husband,

I promise to love you and tell you everyday how much I love you...

a minimum of 10 times.

I promise to give our marriage 110%. Always.

And to my son,

I know you can't read this but just know,

not a day will go by that I won't give you a million kisses, cuddles, snuggles, hugs, raspberries on your belly, nibbles on your hands & toes or tell you I love you.

All of these will happen at least a dozen times a day. 

My only request, if at all possible...

Please don't grow up so fast.

You will always be my baby. 

No matter what.

I am really excited for 2012.

It is going to be another year of firsts: Disneyland trips, going to zoos & aquariums, a first birthday. 

Life is beautiful.

And with that, here are some of my favorite pictures of the year.

Courtesy of Michelle's Cake House. Delish.

I had no idea I was pregnant here!

The day we found we were expecting!

Mother's Day.

The day we found out we were having a boy.

Sweet baby profile.

Our maternity shoot.

Baby shower invitations.

My baby shower... and incredible puffiness.

Fenix's first picture.

Meeting for the first time.

First family photo. I was drugged out of mind here.

First Thanksgiving.

First Christmas!

Last picture of the little man in 2011!

Goodbye 2011. You will truly be missed and known for the best year of my life.

Hello 2012!

Life so far with Mr. Fenix

My handsome little gentleman.

Life with Fenix is pretty amazing. 

He is still a very calm and content little guy. He rarely cries and when he does it is either because he is hungry or tired. He always wakes up laughing, smiling and cooing. 

In the last few months we have celebrated a few holidays. 

He had his first Halloween! He was less than a month old so we couldn't go anywhere or do much with him. We put him in pumpkin jammies with a matching pumpkin hat and Aunt Alicia and cousin Ethan came to visit. 

My little punkin!

Around this time poor Fenix broke out in a rash all over his face, neck and chest. It turns out that the little Mr. is SO chubby that he was overheating in all the warm clothes we were putting him in. He has so much chubs that it keeps him well insulated and he doesn't need to wear a lot of clothing. He needs to wear as much as we wear or less. I felt horrible that I was overheating him! Bad mama! 

Here is Fenix at one month and you can totally see his rash:(

We also celebrated Fenix's first Thanksgiving! The day started at Matt's parents and he did really well there. He unfortunately did not take more than a 30 minute nap. When we got to the second half at my grandma's house, Fenix was just not having it. He wouldn't eat and didn't want much of anything. He was so incredibly miserable and tired that we had to leave early and go home. We hardly had any time at my family's Thanksgiving and got no pictures. At least we learned how incredibly important naps are and we are now bringing more things from home to help him nap. 

Around this time, Fenix's personality really started to shine. He learned how to smile (big gummy smiles) laugh and talk. All he had to do was smile and my heart would completely swell and feel like it would burst with happiness.

At two months, he had his first well baby check up with vaccinations. The Dr. confirmed what we already knew... we had one BIG healthy baby! He weighed 15 pounds 1 ounce and was 23 3/4 inches. He is in the top 90%-95% for weight and 50%-75% for height. He of course got his shot and I could not stay and watch... so I waited outside while Matt stood with our little guy. He came out a few minutes later completely fine with a few band aids on his leg:( He also didn't get a fever or have any reactions other than sleeping ALL DAY long.

Mr. Fenix at 2 months

We also started putting Fenix in his crib at night. The first time we tried I cried so hard listening to him scream that I felt like my heart was literally broken. Before I had Fenix, if someone told me that I would have laughed at them and told them they were ridiculous. Hearing my child cry brings out instincts of automatically going in and rocking him, cuddling him, kissing him, anything to comfort him. To not be able to do that, to do something that every fiber in my being is making me want to do was devastating to say the least. I felt like I was letting him down, abandoning him and possibly making him feel like he wasn't safe. I struggled so hard with this "crying out" routine at bed. It really helped to put on headphones and listen to music to drown out the sounds of him crying. After a few days Fenix would cry less and less. I knew he was exhausted, fed and had a dry diaper so all he really need was sleep. 

It also helped to establish a bedtime routine.

We always start at 7 with his bath time. After that we lotion him up, put on his jammies and mittens, feed him and rock him to sleep. He wakes up once around 1-2am to eat, goes right back to sleep and wakes up again he between 6-730am. He never goes right to sleep. He always has to cry a little but now he has gotten so good that he only cries for 5-10 minutes. Our bedtime routine has also helped during the day. After he wakes up in the morning he is up for 1-2 hours and goes back to sleep for 2 hours. It is like clockwork and is so amazing for Matt and I. We have a 2 month old and we actually get 6-7 hours of sleep. I had no idea that was even possible. In the end, putting Fenix to bed in his crib was best for everyone. We all get sleep and Fenix gets a routine, everybody wins.

I am treasuring every single smile, cuddle, laugh, chubby roll, stinky diaper, tiny article of clothing and that sweet baby smell. I am present in every single moment hoping that I will never forget anything. I don't want to miss anything. Every day he is getting bigger and my heart aches knowing that one day he won't be this little tiny baby, well relatively speaking, nothing about Fenix is tiny. 

I dream of the days when he makes me macaroni necklaces. When his art is proudly displayed on the refrigerator. His first day of school.

For now, he is 2 months old. He always smells good. He has too many rolls to count. He absolutely loves to cuddle with mama. His feet are always delectable. He will always be my baby boy. No matter what. 

This is how I will always remember him, even when he is married and has children of his own.

Surviving the first week

Now I don't know if anyone or any book can really prepare you for parenthood. There are so many factors that go into it and no baby is the same. You can research every baby book, take every baby class and talk to people all you want but when it comes down to it, all you can do is jump in feet first and hope for the best.

The first few days in the hospital went by in a hazy blur. I was still receiving magnesium sulfate to bring down my blood pressure and that left me feeling off. Recovering from giving birth was so much harder and painful than I expected. I could barely get in and out of bed without crying in pain. Any movement required Matt's help. Pushing Fenix out in 10 minutes definitely came with a painful price.

The recovery process was definitely rough but Fenix was absolutely amazing. The first day of his life he barely cried and was perfectly calm and content. Everyone that came to visit was in shock at how calm he was. It was made even more evident by the screaming babies next door to us that cried ALL night and day. He was also very eager to nurse and he even impressed the lactation consultant with how good he was doing. 

Even though Fenix was eager to nurse it still hurt like no other. The first day every latch felt like razor blades on my raw skin. I bit my lip and pushed on. "I had to do this. There is no option to quit and it will get better." I had to keep telling myself this because it could have been so easy to give him formula but this was something I wanted so very badly. I knew it was the best for him and if that meant I had to be in pain than so be it. 

It was no longer about me, it will now always be about him. 

Even with that mindset I had a meltdown the second day. I was so overwhelmed and tired. We called the lactation consultant in and I had tears running down my face. I was so frustrated and desperate for it to work and to not be in excruciating pain. She showed me different ways to hold him and help him latch on and it made a BIG difference. It was seriously life changing. It still hurt but only briefly. Fenix and I were new at this and we were both learning together. 

I remember wanting with every fiber in my being to take a shower. I had so many IV's and needles in my arm that I couldn't shower until the doctor gave the okay to remove them. On Monday they finally took me off the medicine and I got to take my long awaited shower. There are no words to explain how glorious that shower was. I made sure to bring my shampoo, conditioner and body wash from home. Smelling like me again, putting on my clothes and taking off that dreadful hospital gown gave me a whole new outlook on life. Not really, but you get the idea. 

Tuesday we were supposed to be released from the hospital. The doctor made his rounds and kept getting called into emergency c-sections. We thought we would get to home around noon... we didn't actually get discharged until 6:30 at night. When we finally got let go we were ecstatic and a little nervous. We no longer could press a button and have a nurse come in and help us with any questions. 

We would be completely on our own.

It was cloudy, dark, windy and raining when we left the hospital. Matt drove 25 mph on the way home. It took us twice as long to get home but I didn't mind. We were both so scared of every driver on the road. 

I remember getting home, swaddling Fenix, placing him in his bassinet and looking at Matt like what do we do next? He was all ours and it was up to us to take care of him. That concept just blew my mind. 

Now I married my husband for many reasons. I knew above all else, he was going to be an amazing father and husband. During the first week he completely blew me away. He not only had to help take care of me but Fenix as well and he did it with a smile. He was right by my side willing to do anything and everything to help and always with a "Yes dear, I would love to." I fell in love with him all over again. I could completely feel the love he had for Fenix and I. He was so patient, compassionate and so proud to take care of his son and I.

We are also so incredibly fortunate to have a ridiculously calm, rarely ever cries, good tempered baby. Newborns are supposed to cry all the time and sometimes for no reason. Luckily Fenix did not get that memo. I didn't want to say how impressed I was with him out loud for fear that I would jinx it and a crying switch would go off. At the end of the week not much had changed. Basically we just had a good baby.

The first week also was a huge transformation for my body and I lost 30 pounds. It was amazing seeing my deflated tummy shrink back to a slightly normal size. I was so excited to finally wear my wedding/engagement rings! My fingers were so puffy for the last 5 months of my pregnancy and I thought they would fit again. Sadly my fingers along with my shoe size were no longer the same. I went up a 1/2 shoe size and I went from a size 6 ring size to a 6 1/2 ring size. Along with all the other changes my body was going through, the most drastic change was my swollen feet/ankles/legs. When I was pregnant they were all one body part, basically a cankle. It was oh so attractive and I was only able to wear flip flops and even those left marks because they were too tight. It felt nice to not scare everyone with my incredibly puffy state.

At one week old Fenix weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces. He gained an impressive 1 pound 7 ounces since he was born! Along with that, breastfeeding was obviously going well if he was putting on that amount of chubs. We were both getting used to it and it still hurt at first but after a minute or so the pain would subside. I felt so proud that I was able to push past the pain. The feeling that I was nourishing my baby with the best possible food made all the pain so worth it.
Fenix made us laugh all the time at his inability to control his eyes. He would go cross eyed every now and then and we would be laughing hysterically. He absolutely hated bath time and cried like we were torturing him. He lost his umbilical chord when he was 4 days old. The lifeline that connected him and I for 10 months was gone.

And before we knew it, we had survived the first week! It was so much easier than we thought mostly because Fenix was such an easy baby. Our baby was healthy and growing and we were on cloud nine, still in awe at this little miracle we created.

Second day in the hospital and trying out his binky for the first time

Last day in the hospital!

Finally home!!

First night at home and sleeping like a baby

Trying out his Boppy and Halo Sleepsack

Always sleeping with his mouth open

Going to the Doctor

Cuddling with mommy

Cross eyed!