So proud.

Matt has been praying for the last week about this and he is now, finally ready to go back to school. 

Up until now, everyone has been telling Matt that he needs to go back to college. He has not been ready and even if he did go back, I don't think he would have done as well as opposed to him going because he wants to go. To be quite honest, neither of us saw a reason for him to go back. Now that Fenix is here and I am a stay at home mama, that is one less source of income that we are going to have. It is very important to the both of us that I stay home with Fenix. It has been my dream to raise my children and stay at home and I have never been happier. That means that Matt needs to make WAY more money than he could be in a job without a degree. 

He did go to school for a year or so and we are waiting for his transcripts to be mailed from CSUF. We are PRAYING that there are a lot of credits and that they are transferable. He also has a grant that has been collecting interest for years so we will be using that money to pay for his classes, books, etc. and hopefully financial aid will take care of the rest. 

This is going to be another journey for us and it definitely won't be easy. My job as his wife is support him as he makes a great decision for our little family. I am so excited for the future! We want to have more children, a lot sooner than the 5 years apart that we had originally planned. Here's to Matt graduating and more babies! 

8 years

I know it may seem silly or ridiculous to even acknowledge the day Matt asked me to be his girlfriend but I love celebrating anything and everything that goes on in our lives. This day has always meant so much to me. We don't go out or do anything special like we do for our wedding anniversary but I will always remember this day.
It all started on March 26, 2004.

I will never, ever let Matt forget that he asked me to be his girlfriend through a text message. Yep. A text message. Of course I was 17 and he was 18 and we did a lot of communication through texting. Still. He was my first (and only) boyfriend and I was expecting something a bit more grand, more romantic. He did make it up to me though when he proposed!

Now that we are married and have a son, the relationship we have now is one that I have always dreamed about. I got to experience watching Matt grow up from a skinny teenage boy to a God loving man and husband. He is such a loving, caring, ridiculously funny person and I can't believe that he is all mine.

As much as I love having him as a husband, I equally love seeing him as a father. Matt never refuses to change a diaper (even a poopy one!), feed Fenix a bottle, give him a bath or anything that Fenix needs. He is so willing to take care of Fenix. Not a day goes by that I don't see Matt staring at Fenix, sighing and saying "Isn't he so beautiful?" and I always say, "Yes he is."

I am so happy that Fenix has a dad like Matt. I know most husbands would be repulsed and refuse to wear their babies. Not my husband. He proudly puts on the Boba carrier when we go on walks and I find that so incredibly attractive and I can't help but say hubba hubba! Real men wear their babies. That should be a bumper sticker.

Matt is my knight and shining armor for many reasons. One reason really stuck out to me recently. He does something I could never do and the thought alone gives me heart palpitations: He trims our son's nails with nail clippers. Every time we need to cut Fenix's nails, I sit in a chair and feed him a bottle while Matt clips them. The bottle is a great distraction and Fenix rarely notices what is going on. The entire time this is happening my heart is racing. Matt cut Fenix the very first time and the look of horror and pain in my newborn son's eyes and the silent cry that followed has scarred me for life. I cried with Fenix and Matt felt utterly horrible. Even after that, Matt will trim his nails. Just sitting there feeding Fenix is stressful enough, knowing that with one small slip, Matt can slice open his tiny baby sausage finger. Matt is so incredibly brave and I can't thank him enough for doing what I could never do.

We have been through so many obstacles and hurdles in the last 8 years. We grew up together, side by side. That is how we tackle everything in life now, especially when it comes to raising our son and we will always do everything together and be there to support each other no matter what.

Thanks for asking me to be your girlfriend that day babe. I am positive that you had NO IDEA what you were getting yourself into and that you would be stuck with me for life.

Why I love the Duggars

I was catching up on my DVR and I watched the Anderson (Him and Dr. Phil are my faves) episode that had Michelle and Jim Bob on to discuss baby Jubilee. I used to watch the Duggars all the time and I am a huge fan but since I have had Fenix it is impossible to watch all my shows. I only watch TV when Fenix is asleep because 1) I feel guilty watching TV while Fenix is awake 2) Even if I did put the TV it is hard to hear it over my crazy banshee child 3) He is distracting with his beautiful perfect self.

As most of you know, Michelle lost her baby at 18 weeks. They went to the Dr. to find out if it was a boy or girl and were told that she had died. My heart broke. I can't imagine. Regardless of how old you are or how many kids you have had, a miscarriage still hurts. You can never measure someone's grief.

What I didn't know was that they were filming during all of this. When they were told that they had lost her baby, Michelle started crying and she said, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh," and Jim Bob immediately got on his knees next to her and started praying and thanking the Lord for the time they had with Jubilee and thanking Him for everything else He had given them.

Whoa.
That moved me to the point of tears.

I can honestly and unfortunately say, God forbid, if anything like that happened to me, the last thing I would want to do is thank the Lord. I am sure the emotions I would be feeling would be anything but thanks. That is, however, what God calls us to do, regardless of what is going on in your life.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 – "Be joyful always; pray continually; 

give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I really look up to Michelle and Jim Bob. Their faith and trust in the Lord is definitely something to admire. I also really love the way they raise their children despite all the criticism they always receive.

In today's world, children are so desensitized and overly exposed to the media. It definitely makes me stop and think about how I want to raise my son. Although I could never go to the extreme that they do in regards to sheltering their children from the outside world (we don't live in the country in a huge house on a huge piece of land) I am definitely going to be sheltering Fenix as much as I possible can. There is so much in this world that my son does not need to know about. He has a precious, innocent heart and it is my job to keep it that way as long as I possibly can.

5 month update

This is ridiculously late.

We are almost half way to having a ONE YEAR OLD.  

This past month has been, by far the most fun. 

Fenix walked in his walker for the first time. He didn't just walk, he ran. The look of excitement on his face was priceless. He knew what he was doing and he was so proud. I felt so many emotions watching my son, my baby being mobile. My heart swelled with such intensity that it felt like my rib cage may crack open.

This was only the beginning of firsts for this month. 

On Valentine's Day, Fenix sat for the first time unassisted by either myself, Matt or the back of the couch cushions.

Later that day we celebrated by going to Cheesecake Factory. You can read about that day here.

Since Fenix is a tank, he is almost at the max weight for his baby car seat. We bought him a convertible car seat that goes up to 65 pounds. At the rate he is growing, that should last him until he is 2 years old (I am fully aware that he will start losing weight but have you seen how solid he is?). We went to Target (the holy land for moms) and he got to ride in the stroller for the first time. His eyes were wide the whole time, like he didn't want to miss anything.

He has also started to become a bully. He really enjoys digging his nails into my skin and twisting them. I now have lots of little scratches all over my arms. He likes to pull my hair which is one of the reasons I never wear it down. Have you ever tried to pry your hair out of a 20 pound baby's chunky sausage fingers? You can't. As much as he loves to pull my hair, he equally loves to grab my glasses, take them off my face and throw them to the ground. I'm not kidding, my kid is mean. 

Fenix has now figured out how to throw tantrums. He will whine and scream until you pick him up. SO fun.

His absolute favorite foods are carrots and bananas. I really can't describe the amount of joy on his face when you are feeding him those foods. He opens his mouth as wide as he possibly can, just to make sure you know that the food goes there. He usually says mmmm and will yell at you if you don't get it in fast enough. He likes pears and did not enjoy sweet potatoes but we will try them again. 

At least 20 times a day my son has me laughing hysterically. I still stop a few times a day, just to stare at him and take all of his beauty in. I am still in shock that he is here and that he is my son. I am absolutely, positively living my dream being a mom and I am soaking it all in every chance I get.

A day in the life of Fenix

I thought I would give you an idea of what life is like with a 5 month old. This was what we did on 3/9.

7:50 am I wake up to hear Fenix babbling, laughing and kicking his mattress as hard as he can. Since he isn't crying I let him hang out while I try to wake up.

8:00 am I walk into his room to see a super happy Fenix. I also notice that he has scooted all the way to the bottom of his crib. I am dying to know he does this! I then give him lots of hugs and kisses, asked what he dreamed about, change his diaper and then give him breakfast.

8:30 am Grandpa Steve comes over! He hangs out with Grandpa and shows off his skills in his walker.

9:30 am Grandpa leaves then we all get ready for our busy day.

10:20 am We hear Fenix whining in his walker and figure he is stuck somewhere and can't get out. He was angry because he pooped out of his diaper, duh. Carrots were a bad choice. It was definitely a two person job that required 20 wipes. Oh, the glamorous life of a parent.

10:40 am We start our adventure.

10:50 am Fenix  is asleep. Party pooper.

11:00 am We arrive at the CHP to get Fenix's new convertible car seat installed properly. Matt and the police officer take an hour to go over everything while Fenix and I hang out.

12:30 We eat at Five Guys for the first time and Fenix sits in a high chair... and that lasted 2 minutes before he wanted out. He was super nice though and let us eat our food without scratching or yelling at us.

1:30 We get home and Grandma Suzy comes over! Both grandparents in one day, Fenix sure is lucky.

2:30 Grandma leaves and Fenix gets second lunch.
I forgot to mention my son is a hobbit and has two of every meal.

4:30 Fenix slept for 2 whole hours. Christmas came early.

4:30- 7 Fenix gets first dinner. We hang out, talk about life and give lots and lots of kisses and raspberries.

7:00 We have dinner while Fenix sits on the couch with his boppy around him. He entertains himself by pushing his face into the boppy and then bouncing back up. He does this over and over while laughing. I try to contain myself. This surely means he is ready for Harvard, obviously.

8:00- 8:20 Fenix gets his bath then we lotion him up, put his jammies on and of course, brush all of his hair.

8:20 We turn off all the lights and he gets his last meal of the day.

8:30 He goes to sleep without a peep, 

thank you Lord!

This was an incredibly exceptional day for Fenix. I don't think he cried even once. 

Learning to love the new ME

The last picture you will ever see of me in a bikini, for many reasons.

I, like almost every girl, have never been happy with my body. As awful as it sounds, I used to be jealous of girls who were anorexic. Jealous that they could get that skinny and I couldn't.

I have always equated the scale with my self worth. 
Even when I was at my lowest weight of 110 at 5'5 (the picture above at my tiniest), in my mind, I wasn't skinny enough. If I wasn't skinny enough then I obviously wasn't good enough.
It did alarm me because if being that skinny wasn't good enough, then how much weight would I have to lose until it was enough.

God had a fantastic way of teaching me to love myself in a way I never thought possible.

When I became pregnant, I looked at my body in a completely different way. As the months went on, my belly grew and so did the numbers on the scale. For once in my life, I was not afraid of what the scale was telling me. Of course, I was eating healthy and I didn't have the mindset that pregnancy meant I could eat whatever I wanted. As long as the the baby and I were healthy, I didn't care how much weight I gained.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I weighed 190 pounds. The best and crazy part?
I had never felt more beautiful.
To say I was proud to be pregnant would be a huge understatement. I was learning that my body didn't belong to me anymore, which was only helping the transition into becoming a mom.

After I had Fenix, I wasn't concerned whatsoever with how and when I was going to lose all the weight I gained when I was pregnant. Within 3 weeks though, I had lost everything. It was completely insane and I couldn't believe it happened that fast.

After your body swells to an enormous size and goes back to it's original size so quickly, nothing looks the same. My boobs (yes I said boobs, deal with it) are unnecessarily big and are incredibly annoying. My stomach is flat but my skin is not toned at all and is quite sad looking. I have stretch marks on my side and below my belly button.

This is the reality of being a mom.
You give up your body to bring a child into this world. Unless you are one of the few that this doesn't happen to, you are extremely lucky and I hate you. Not really. Only a little bit though (I really don't hate anyone, how about dislike).

If you are like the rest of us normal people, what I described above is what you may go through.
And it will all be worth it.

Carrying Fenix for almost 41 weeks and now being able to nurse him for 5 months is a complete blessing and an honor. My body could have miscarried. My body could have delivered Fenix too early. My body could have not produced milk after he was born. I am fully aware of all the what if's that could have happened. I can never thank God enough for letting everything happen as it did.

God used this beautiful time to show me my true beauty. My body has a purpose. and that is to sustain my son. It is obviously going really well, have you seen that kid?

Even though my body is not the ideal form of beauty, that being a size 2 and having no imperfections, I have never been happier. I finally love the skin I am in and I can thank God and Mr. Fenix for that.

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 

1 Samuel 16:7

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 

Dear Blog,

I haven't forgotten about you. In fact, I have 5 posts that are half done. I am hoping to actually finish some and post them in the next few days. Between Matt being sick, Fenix teething and getting a little cold and now I am sick, the last thing I want to do is get on a computer and actually think. 


So, here is to hoping everyone feels better soon and that my throat stops feeling like I rubbed a cheese grater against it. So fun.