Life so far with Mr. Fenix

My handsome little gentleman.

Life with Fenix is pretty amazing. 

He is still a very calm and content little guy. He rarely cries and when he does it is either because he is hungry or tired. He always wakes up laughing, smiling and cooing. 

In the last few months we have celebrated a few holidays. 

He had his first Halloween! He was less than a month old so we couldn't go anywhere or do much with him. We put him in pumpkin jammies with a matching pumpkin hat and Aunt Alicia and cousin Ethan came to visit. 

My little punkin!

Around this time poor Fenix broke out in a rash all over his face, neck and chest. It turns out that the little Mr. is SO chubby that he was overheating in all the warm clothes we were putting him in. He has so much chubs that it keeps him well insulated and he doesn't need to wear a lot of clothing. He needs to wear as much as we wear or less. I felt horrible that I was overheating him! Bad mama! 

Here is Fenix at one month and you can totally see his rash:(

We also celebrated Fenix's first Thanksgiving! The day started at Matt's parents and he did really well there. He unfortunately did not take more than a 30 minute nap. When we got to the second half at my grandma's house, Fenix was just not having it. He wouldn't eat and didn't want much of anything. He was so incredibly miserable and tired that we had to leave early and go home. We hardly had any time at my family's Thanksgiving and got no pictures. At least we learned how incredibly important naps are and we are now bringing more things from home to help him nap. 

Around this time, Fenix's personality really started to shine. He learned how to smile (big gummy smiles) laugh and talk. All he had to do was smile and my heart would completely swell and feel like it would burst with happiness.

At two months, he had his first well baby check up with vaccinations. The Dr. confirmed what we already knew... we had one BIG healthy baby! He weighed 15 pounds 1 ounce and was 23 3/4 inches. He is in the top 90%-95% for weight and 50%-75% for height. He of course got his shot and I could not stay and watch... so I waited outside while Matt stood with our little guy. He came out a few minutes later completely fine with a few band aids on his leg:( He also didn't get a fever or have any reactions other than sleeping ALL DAY long.

Mr. Fenix at 2 months

We also started putting Fenix in his crib at night. The first time we tried I cried so hard listening to him scream that I felt like my heart was literally broken. Before I had Fenix, if someone told me that I would have laughed at them and told them they were ridiculous. Hearing my child cry brings out instincts of automatically going in and rocking him, cuddling him, kissing him, anything to comfort him. To not be able to do that, to do something that every fiber in my being is making me want to do was devastating to say the least. I felt like I was letting him down, abandoning him and possibly making him feel like he wasn't safe. I struggled so hard with this "crying out" routine at bed. It really helped to put on headphones and listen to music to drown out the sounds of him crying. After a few days Fenix would cry less and less. I knew he was exhausted, fed and had a dry diaper so all he really need was sleep. 

It also helped to establish a bedtime routine.

We always start at 7 with his bath time. After that we lotion him up, put on his jammies and mittens, feed him and rock him to sleep. He wakes up once around 1-2am to eat, goes right back to sleep and wakes up again he between 6-730am. He never goes right to sleep. He always has to cry a little but now he has gotten so good that he only cries for 5-10 minutes. Our bedtime routine has also helped during the day. After he wakes up in the morning he is up for 1-2 hours and goes back to sleep for 2 hours. It is like clockwork and is so amazing for Matt and I. We have a 2 month old and we actually get 6-7 hours of sleep. I had no idea that was even possible. In the end, putting Fenix to bed in his crib was best for everyone. We all get sleep and Fenix gets a routine, everybody wins.

I am treasuring every single smile, cuddle, laugh, chubby roll, stinky diaper, tiny article of clothing and that sweet baby smell. I am present in every single moment hoping that I will never forget anything. I don't want to miss anything. Every day he is getting bigger and my heart aches knowing that one day he won't be this little tiny baby, well relatively speaking, nothing about Fenix is tiny. 

I dream of the days when he makes me macaroni necklaces. When his art is proudly displayed on the refrigerator. His first day of school.

For now, he is 2 months old. He always smells good. He has too many rolls to count. He absolutely loves to cuddle with mama. His feet are always delectable. He will always be my baby boy. No matter what. 

This is how I will always remember him, even when he is married and has children of his own.

Surviving the first week

Now I don't know if anyone or any book can really prepare you for parenthood. There are so many factors that go into it and no baby is the same. You can research every baby book, take every baby class and talk to people all you want but when it comes down to it, all you can do is jump in feet first and hope for the best.

The first few days in the hospital went by in a hazy blur. I was still receiving magnesium sulfate to bring down my blood pressure and that left me feeling off. Recovering from giving birth was so much harder and painful than I expected. I could barely get in and out of bed without crying in pain. Any movement required Matt's help. Pushing Fenix out in 10 minutes definitely came with a painful price.

The recovery process was definitely rough but Fenix was absolutely amazing. The first day of his life he barely cried and was perfectly calm and content. Everyone that came to visit was in shock at how calm he was. It was made even more evident by the screaming babies next door to us that cried ALL night and day. He was also very eager to nurse and he even impressed the lactation consultant with how good he was doing. 

Even though Fenix was eager to nurse it still hurt like no other. The first day every latch felt like razor blades on my raw skin. I bit my lip and pushed on. "I had to do this. There is no option to quit and it will get better." I had to keep telling myself this because it could have been so easy to give him formula but this was something I wanted so very badly. I knew it was the best for him and if that meant I had to be in pain than so be it. 

It was no longer about me, it will now always be about him. 

Even with that mindset I had a meltdown the second day. I was so overwhelmed and tired. We called the lactation consultant in and I had tears running down my face. I was so frustrated and desperate for it to work and to not be in excruciating pain. She showed me different ways to hold him and help him latch on and it made a BIG difference. It was seriously life changing. It still hurt but only briefly. Fenix and I were new at this and we were both learning together. 

I remember wanting with every fiber in my being to take a shower. I had so many IV's and needles in my arm that I couldn't shower until the doctor gave the okay to remove them. On Monday they finally took me off the medicine and I got to take my long awaited shower. There are no words to explain how glorious that shower was. I made sure to bring my shampoo, conditioner and body wash from home. Smelling like me again, putting on my clothes and taking off that dreadful hospital gown gave me a whole new outlook on life. Not really, but you get the idea. 

Tuesday we were supposed to be released from the hospital. The doctor made his rounds and kept getting called into emergency c-sections. We thought we would get to home around noon... we didn't actually get discharged until 6:30 at night. When we finally got let go we were ecstatic and a little nervous. We no longer could press a button and have a nurse come in and help us with any questions. 

We would be completely on our own.

It was cloudy, dark, windy and raining when we left the hospital. Matt drove 25 mph on the way home. It took us twice as long to get home but I didn't mind. We were both so scared of every driver on the road. 

I remember getting home, swaddling Fenix, placing him in his bassinet and looking at Matt like what do we do next? He was all ours and it was up to us to take care of him. That concept just blew my mind. 

Now I married my husband for many reasons. I knew above all else, he was going to be an amazing father and husband. During the first week he completely blew me away. He not only had to help take care of me but Fenix as well and he did it with a smile. He was right by my side willing to do anything and everything to help and always with a "Yes dear, I would love to." I fell in love with him all over again. I could completely feel the love he had for Fenix and I. He was so patient, compassionate and so proud to take care of his son and I.

We are also so incredibly fortunate to have a ridiculously calm, rarely ever cries, good tempered baby. Newborns are supposed to cry all the time and sometimes for no reason. Luckily Fenix did not get that memo. I didn't want to say how impressed I was with him out loud for fear that I would jinx it and a crying switch would go off. At the end of the week not much had changed. Basically we just had a good baby.

The first week also was a huge transformation for my body and I lost 30 pounds. It was amazing seeing my deflated tummy shrink back to a slightly normal size. I was so excited to finally wear my wedding/engagement rings! My fingers were so puffy for the last 5 months of my pregnancy and I thought they would fit again. Sadly my fingers along with my shoe size were no longer the same. I went up a 1/2 shoe size and I went from a size 6 ring size to a 6 1/2 ring size. Along with all the other changes my body was going through, the most drastic change was my swollen feet/ankles/legs. When I was pregnant they were all one body part, basically a cankle. It was oh so attractive and I was only able to wear flip flops and even those left marks because they were too tight. It felt nice to not scare everyone with my incredibly puffy state.

At one week old Fenix weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces. He gained an impressive 1 pound 7 ounces since he was born! Along with that, breastfeeding was obviously going well if he was putting on that amount of chubs. We were both getting used to it and it still hurt at first but after a minute or so the pain would subside. I felt so proud that I was able to push past the pain. The feeling that I was nourishing my baby with the best possible food made all the pain so worth it.
Fenix made us laugh all the time at his inability to control his eyes. He would go cross eyed every now and then and we would be laughing hysterically. He absolutely hated bath time and cried like we were torturing him. He lost his umbilical chord when he was 4 days old. The lifeline that connected him and I for 10 months was gone.

And before we knew it, we had survived the first week! It was so much easier than we thought mostly because Fenix was such an easy baby. Our baby was healthy and growing and we were on cloud nine, still in awe at this little miracle we created.

Second day in the hospital and trying out his binky for the first time

Last day in the hospital!

Finally home!!

First night at home and sleeping like a baby

Trying out his Boppy and Halo Sleepsack

Always sleeping with his mouth open

Going to the Doctor

Cuddling with mommy

Cross eyed!

My birth story

My life is forever changed and I can't stop smiling. I am on a constant cloud nine when I am with my son and my heart aches with love.

I have been so anxious and excited to share my birth story. It was the most intense, God-inspiring, beautiful, frightening, exhausting, painful, joyous experience I have ever been through. And honestly... I can't wait to do it again! But not ANYTIME soon. More like, 5 years from now:]

So let's get on with the story! It all started...

On Saturday October 1st at 8 am. My due date was September 26th and that day came and went and I was still pregnant. Every hour that he wasn't here felt like an eternity. Every day I woke up, Matt would ask, "So are you going to give me a baby today?" and every day there was no baby. I did everything I possibly could to get him out: I walked, ate spicy food, bounced for hours on a medicine ball and lots more. Still... NO baby. My induction date was set for Monday the 3rd and at the rate I was going, I accepted the fact that this baby wasn't going to come on his own and I was going to be induced. 

Friday evening we spent at Matt's parents watching movies. I was going to the bathroom every 15 minutes which even in my huge pregnancy state was surprisingly out of the norm. I felt completely fine other than that and had not yet had any braxton hicks. 

I woke up Saturday incredibly early (for me anyways, 8 am might as well be 5am) and I felt off. I was really nauseated and I couldn't get comfortable. Matt suggested we go to the hospital to get checked out. Since I wasn't having any contractions I felt silly going to the hospital and I didn't want to spend a few hours at the hospital just to get sent home. 

Our bags were all packed and we headed to the hospital. I am so thankful Matt convinced me to go because on our way there I got a 10 minute long contraction that did not end. I learned breathing techniques in our birthing class but because there was no break to catch my breathe, I couldn't do anything but freak out. I was clutching the handle above the door as if my life depended on it. This was the ONLY time I said a few obscenities and begged Matt to get us to the hospital NOW! Of course everyone on the road decided to drive below the speed limit at this exact moment. The whole drive over felt like a total movie cliche: pregnant wife freaking out in excruciating pain and frantic husband trying to get to the hospital as fast as he possibly could.

By the time we got to the hospital the contraction had stopped and I was able to walk and use my breathing techniques. We signed paperwork and they hooked me up to the monitors and we waited a few minutes. 

So while I am hooked up I hear the baby's heartbeat and everything with him is good. I however was a different story. My blood pressure was dangerously high, I had preeclampsia (which is incredibly dangerous and the only cure is to deliver the baby) and I had low platelets in my blood. With all of that and the contractions I was having, the doctor told us they were definitely keeping me. Matt looked at me with complete joy and said, "We are going to have a baby today!!" We called our families and told them I was officially in labor! We got set up in our room and I got to get hooked up to IV's. 

At this point I was still not feeling any contractions and I was dilated at 3cm. I thought it would be a good time to get my epidural before I could start feeling pain. Because my platelets were right at the border of being too low, the anesthesiologist  wasn't comfortable giving me an epidural. I started panicking because not getting an epidural was never part of the plan. I prepared myself for it not to work but not even getting it at all really scared me. Luckily my doctor was fantastic and she convinced the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural! As excited as I was, I was still really nervous about the procedure. I have seen so many movies when women  are in labor and the needle is always obscenely huge. 

The entire procedure didn't take more than 15 minutes and it wasn't as bad as I thought! The worst part was when the tube was inserted, it brushed up against some nerves and it sent what felt like an electrical shock down my leg. So not fun. 20 minutes later I felt amazing. We put on Anchorman and settled in. 

Hours went by and not much changed. I was put on Pitocin to speed up my contractions, along with Magnesium Sulfate to bring my blood pressure down, my regular IV fluids and the epidural medicine. 

The further I progressed I started feeling pain with my contractions on the lower part of my stomach. They kept giving me different doses of medicine for the pain in hopes of finding the right combination to make the pain go away. It would work for a few hours but then the pain would come back. 

My water had still not broken so they sent for the doctor to come and break it. No sooner that they call for the doctor that I felt something. Since I had just received my epidural medicine I honestly thought I was peeing! It was so embarrassing. I told the nurse and she checked me and said, "No your water broke. And WHOA that is a lot of fluid!" Yeah... it went on for FOREVER, well... it felt like forever.

Now that my water broke the contractions started getting really intense. The doctors were still trying to get the right dose of medicine to numb me completely but in doing so I was getting quite loopy. Matt watched the monitor to let me know when a contraction was coming so I could brace myself and start breathing.

Matt's mom and my mother were there the whole time. I distinctly remember Matt's mom cheering me on and telling me how good I was doing.  

By this point I had been given SO much medicine that I could not stay awake at all. I felt like someone gave me way too many sleeping pills. Matt would wake me up when I would get a contraction and walk me through it until I reached the peak and then he would tell me when it would start going down. By the time the peak was over I would completely pass out. This went on for an hour or so. 

It was around 2 am and I was around 7-8cm dilated when Fenix's head started descending. Now, every contraction I felt up until this time was painful, but I could breathe through them and I didn't feel like I was dying. I never cried, screamed or yelled at Matt. This pain I felt when he started coming down was a whole new level of pain that I had never felt. It almost brought me to tears and I didn't know if I could do it. The anesthesiologist gave me a dose of medicine one last time before I would start pushing... and PRAISE THE LORD it worked!! I would get contractions and I couldn't feel anything! 

I was able to sleep for awhile which was amazing. An hour later and I got woken up by the nurse telling me I was 9 cm and if I wanted to I could start practicing pushing. I looked around and saw the nurses getting the room ready. I was still drugged out of my mind and had a ridiculously hard time staying awake. 

The next thing I knew Matt was waking me up and they told me I was ready, it was time to push. It really scared me, that because I was so drugged that I may not be able to push effectively or push at all. The nurse also told my mom and MIL that they could call my family and let them know it was going to take 1-2 hours for the baby to come which is normal for first time moms.

It was 4:55 in the morning and I started pushing. Within 2 pushes his head was already coming out. The nurse told us, "Well I think this baby will be born at 5:00". Everyone was in shock and started calling everyone to let them know Fenix was coming NOW! I pushed for 5 more minutes and he was almost out. All I heard was my mom and MIL gasping and crying and encouraging me that he was almost here. One more push and then...

My son was born.

I waited my entire life for this moment and I could not believe that he was real, that he really did exist and wasn't a dream.

I carried him for 10 months and 5 days. 

I was in labor for 20 hours and pushed him out in 10 minutes. 

He came out completely calm and wide eyed. When they placed him on my chest he didn't make a peep and instead just stared at me, as if he knew that I was his mommy. The nurses had to poke him quite a bit to get him to cry but when he did a loud wail was heard and we knew he was alright. 

His dad and both Grandmas witnessed him coming into this world and it forever changed their lives. All I could hear was uncontrollable crying from all of them as the nurses checked him out. 

He was born at 5:06 in the morning.

He had 10 fingers and 10 toes. 

He weighed 8 pounds, 2 ounces and was 21 inches long. 

He had a little bit of jaundice but other than that he was perfectly healthy.

Matt and I were in complete awe of him and we could not believe that we created something so beautiful and perfect. We fell more in love with each other that day.

Words can never describe all the emotions I felt throughout this whole experience. It was so profoundly life changing and is the reason I came into this world. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I prayed for this child. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom. To raise my child with my husband and watch him grow up. 

I can't thank God enough for this beautiful blessing. I am so honored and so proud to be a mom. It is everything I envisioned and so much more. 

Waiting on Fenix Vincent Ramsaur...

In awe of God's amazing blessing @ 27 weeks.

We have come a long way since the last post! I am now 31 weeks pregnant and so much has happened in the last few months. This is going to be a big update filled with lots of pictures, just to warn you :]

I will start us off shortly after the last post.

Basically, the second trimester was the best time of my life (the 3rd isn't over yet!). I have never felt healthier, hungrier or more beautiful in my life. This was the time that my little baby bump grew into a belly and it was evident that my little man was definitely in my tummy and was getting bigger everyday! Even though we were no longer in my first trimester, I never took for granted that my baby was in God's hands. I sometimes found myself not wanting to get attached because if something were to happen, I didn't know if my heart could take it. With each appointment and ultrasound I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard his heartbeat, which was always strong, saw his squirmy body on the screen and got reassurance from my doctor that everything looked normal. Never in my life was I so happy to hear the words normal. 

I eventually lost my fear of the unknown and instead just released my worries up to God and allowed myself to just treasure every moment of my pregnancy. I am so glad I did.

Around 14 weeks we went to have the ultrasound that would tell us if we were having a boy or a girl. Matt's parents, brothers, grandma and my mom all went with us and we all waited and watched the flat screen TV in anticipation. The ultrasound went on for about 5 minutes before the technician zoomed in on the baby's private region. She pointed to his little "peanut" and said, "It looks like you're having a boy!" I didn't see anyone's reaction because I instantly started crying tears of joy. I don't know why but knowing the gender of my baby made it more real, that this was all really happening and I was able to bond with him more. Matt and I hugged each other and I continued crying and so did he. It really was pure bliss.

Here are the pictures from the ultrasound from that day.

The back of Fenix and he is also waving Hello. 

Posing with his arm bent and his fist is resting on his cheek. 

It's a BOY!

When we found out it was a boy we told our families we would be naming him Fenix Vincent. I have a different/unique name and as frustrating as it is when people say/spell my name wrong (which is all the time) I love that not many people have my name. We wanted something different but nothing crazy. I loved the name Fenix and Matt picked out the spelling. His middle name Vincent is after my grandfather on my mother's side. I know if he were here, he would be so proud. 

Around this time this is what my bump looked like.

The next couple weeks flew by and my little bump got bigger and bigger. I anxiously awaited the one thing I was looking forward to while pregnant: feeling the baby move! At around 16 weeks (when a lot of websites say you may be able to feel the baby) any movement, I thought, could be the baby. Most people said, "You will definitely know when the baby kicks". Well on Mother's Day my family and I celebrated by going to the Cannery and enjoyed lobster tails, potatoes au gratin and delicious dessert. I love the restaurant because it's right on the harbor and you get a great view. Matt and I spent the evening watching his favorite, Star Wars. Half way through the movie I felt a strong POP and it made me yell out WHOA! Matt looked at me and I told him, "I just felt the baby kick!" Of course it would happen during Star Wars. Matt was definitely proud of his boy. 

My husband and I, stuffed, on Mother's Day.

My sister, momma and I. Oh and Fenix too!

A few days after Mother's Day we got the results from our anatomy ultrasound. Around 20 weeks I went to our hospital and they did a full scan of the baby's entire body and organs. I was really amazed at all they could see considering he was so tiny. We also got lots of pictures and a dvd of the little guy. The technician was really nice and assured us that everything looked normal and the baby was measuring a few days earlier than his due date. We went to our OB/GYN appointment and the Dr. said everything looked perfect. No down syndrome. No cleft lip. Just normal. I was so relieved to hear those words again. And I also got a photo shoot of my little man.

Fenix's profile at 19 weeks.

Fenix facing us. Those little round circles are his fists.

He was hiding his face with his arm and hand.

Baby feet. Need I say more.

Here are some pictures of my growing bump.

Around 26 weeks Matt and I got some upsetting news. The baby is perfectly fine and it has nothing to do with him but it definitely put a huge wrench in a lot of our plans that were already made. It is so hard to not be stressed out when certain situations arise and I literally could not allow myself to stress because it is so not good for Fenix. We have done everything we could to solve one of the issues and to this day it is still not resolved. It's more frustrating because it is out of our control and the person taking care of it is not following up with us and doesn't seem to think our situation is urgent enough and is taking their sweet time with it. To say I am livid is putting it mildly because it's not just about me, it's about ensuring Fenix gets the proper care he deserves. You don't want to mess with a soon to be mama bear. Trust me.

On a happier note...

Since we found out we were pregnant the one event we were both looking forward to was getting a 3D/4D ultrasound. I know a lot of people don't like them because they say their babies look bizarre, etc. but we aren't one of those couples, so hush. Around 28 weeks we had the ultrasound done and we were amazed at all the things we saw our little bird doing. He smiled, grimaced, opened his eyes, yawned and curled his toes. We didn't get as many pictures of his face as we wanted because he was using his umbilical cord as a blanket and was holding it the whole time. We got a ton of pictures and a few profile shots in regular 2D and it is blatantly clear that he has Matt's nose. 

I am convinced that Fenix is going to just look just like Matt... but a brown version:]

Hugging his umbilical cord.

That right there is a smile !!

I picture these little feetsies every time he kicks me. They sure do look chubby!

My generous and oh sweet friend Marge took our maternity pictures and they came out absolutely amazing. I am going to be using some of these pictures and putting them in the baby's nursery and some will be displayed at my baby shower, which is in just a few weeks. 

 "It's good to be in love.."

This is my absolute favorite. My husband is a hunk!

Love, love this picture.

My little family!!

Molly stealing all the attention as usual.

My baby girl and I. 

About a week ago we finished majority of the nursery. We still have pictures to hang, wall decals to add and our glider is on it's way. Matt did everything of course and I can't take any credit, other than bringing him water when he needed it :]

It really warmed my heart to see how much pride Matt took in preparing the nursery, from painting to assembling furniture, I could see so much love in his face, that he was doing this for his boy, his son. I can't tell you how excited I am to see Fenix and Matt together. I know that Fenix is going to have the best daddy that is going to love him unconditionally and be there for him no matter what.

I of course am obsessed with anything involving trees and woodland creatures, especially owls. This bedding/accessory set could not have been more perfect. The best part was we bought everything for half off.

We only have 60 days until his due date. 

60! 

Two months!

I can't say it enough but I absolutely love being pregnant. It really is such a blessing to be able to become pregnant and that is something I never have taken for granted. Sure there are some minor discomforts not including all the physical changes your body goes through but regardless of what issues I face, I would do it over again in a heartbeat. Plus I, unlike a lot of women, don't see my weight gain as me getting fat. I am right on track in the weight department, I have gained 20 lbs. so far and I have 9 weeks left. Even with that weight I feel more beautiful than I ever have. Plus it is always nice to get a confidence boost from my hubby when he tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I love him.

God is so good and He has truly blessed me with more than I could ever imagine. I stand in awe of all He has done and I could never repay Him for all the joy He has brought in my life. All I can do is be a servant to Him and live my life in a way that makes Him proud.