The hardest thing I have ever gone through

It is incredibly hard for me to do this but I feel like I need to. I need to get it off my chest. I had half of this typed out but I erased it because I wasn't I ready. I need to stop hiding like it is something to be shameful of. Everything is part of God's plan, especially trials. I truly believe this trial made me appreciate life so much more and to never, not even for a single day or moment, take anything for granted. And, like I said before, I intend on keeping it real.

When Matt and I got married we knew we wanted to have children. That was discussed very often through out our relationship. I dreamed of the day that I would become pregnant. To hear my baby's heartbeat during an ultrasound, to see my belly grow big and to feel their kicks. I could think of nothing better. 

Since I was little all I have ever wanted was to become a mom. A lot of children dream of becoming doctors, ballerinas, firefighters, etc. I wanted to grow up and be a mom. I always had a "baby" with me every where I went. I also loved pushing my babies in strollers, feeding them, dressing them and pretending I really was a mom. Some people know they were born to do something like sing, dance, act, etc. I knew I was born to be a mom.

After we got married, we weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either. Months went by and... nothing. I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying that I would get pregnant. Considering we were young and healthy I figured that it should happen fairly easy and without us trying. That is, where I believe, God saw a perfect opportunity to teach me about faith, patience and trust.

After 6 months had gone by I started getting worried. I should have gone to the Dr. just to make sure I was okay. That would have been the smart thing to do but no. If I went to the Dr. then he would tell me what was wrong. I knew something was wrong and by not going to Dr. I was avoiding the issue and then it didn't exist. Instead I stressed about it and cried. A lot. I felt broken and so alone. This was my dream above all others.

Finally, after almost a year, I finally got the courage to go see someone. I found my OB by looking at my insurance's website and his was the first name that came up. It definitely was not a coincidence and God definitely chose him for a reason.

I had to go alone because Matt had to work. I was really hesitant about going by myself but I didn't want to reschedule because I just wanted to get this all over with. I met with the Dr. and explained to him why I was there and gave him my whole health story. He suggested an ultrasound to possibly figure out what was going on. After that was done we went back to his office to discuss the results.

I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

All I knew was that poly meant many, cysts are never good and it was a syndrome. Everything about it's name terrified me. I tried to listen to what he was saying but I had a million thoughts running through my head. The room went blurry and I felt lightheaded. What did this mean? Would I ever be able to have kids? We could never afford IVF or adoption. I may never be a mother.

I asked him if they were tumors and would I need to have them removed? Luckily the answer was no. He did say that it would be hard to become pregnant and that in order to do so I need to start taking the medicine Metformin and after that I would start Clomid. He said that depending on how the medicine works, I could be seeing him in a month, a few months or even a year. I left the office and I was terrified. I have never heard of this before and I had no idea if it was common, what the odds were of having children, what it meant for my quality of life. I should of asked the Dr. these questions but I was a little overwhelmed so I did what any smart person would do: go on the internet! I will never recommend that, ever. Of course I was inundated with the worst case scenario. I went on forums of women who had it and my future was looking very bleak. Some women have never gotten pregnant after years and years of trying, a lot of women had multiple miscarriages and some had unsuccessful IVF procedures. Great. Even if I did become pregnant I had a higher rate of having a miscarriage just because I had PCOS. The only comfort I found was that it was very common and affects 1 out of 15 women.

After I had processed everything, surprisingly, I wasn't angry or upset. I was actually at peace. I knew my God loved me and that he knew my heart's deepest desires. I would not accept that He would take something that meant so much to me and make it a complete impossibility. I loved Him too much to see him as anything but loving and full of grace. I had to have faith and trust. It also felt good to know what was wrong and that it could have been so much worse. I was actually thankful that this was all I had to get through.

So I started taking Metformin to help regulate my "monthly times" a few days after Christmas.

New Years came and I remember having just a few sips of alcohol. For some reason, it just didn't sit well with me. I thought that was strange but didn't think much of it. A few weeks after that the random spells of nausea started. They happened maybe once a day, a few times a week. I also thought that maybe the medicine I was taking wasn't agreeing with me. Because I was not feeling like my normal self I scheduled an appointment with my OB because I wanted to make sure everything was okay and I was thinking the medicine may not be working.

Well we got the surprise of our life when the doctor told us I was pregnant. I  may have even said a few obscenities because I was in complete and utter shock. This wasn't supposed to happen this easily. This should have taken months, if not years to happen. I really thought I was dreaming. I had never felt that amount of joy and excitement in my whole life. It felt like someone shot an adrenaline needle in my heart.

Throughout my pregnancy, I tried so hard to not complain. I never wanted it to seem like I was ungrateful because I wasn't. I was so beyond ecstatic and so proud to be pregnant. Even though I gained about 40 pounds and was so incredibly puffy from all the water I was retaining, I had never felt more beautiful in my life. This was a gift and a miracle.

God taught me so much and used this time to bring me closer to Him and to establish the relationship I have always wanted with Him. I was saved in 2004 but up until this point my walk with God was always up and down. I was either on fire for God or I was not acknowledging Him at all. I needed a catalyst to ignite the desire that had always been there. Since I became pregnant I can proudly say that my relationship with Him has never been stronger and I have never been happier. I am finally becoming the woman of God, wife and now mother that I have always wanted to be.

I recognize that this is very personal and some may say that this is something that I should have kept private. I can't keep something like this hidden knowing that there are other women out there that may be dealing with what I went through or something similar. I want them to know that they are not alone and there is hope. It is nothing to be ashamed of and God makes no mistakes.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I love LOVE. I love being in LOVE

I am pretty blessed.

I got to spend the whole day with two of my favorite people in the whole world.

I woke up this morning to this face.

How can you have a bad day when you wake up to this face? You can't. You are destined to have a fantastically awesome day. 

Then the little Mr. decided that he would, you know, just SIT UP. By himself. For the first time. No big deal. He looks pleased as punch!

My heart broke into a million little pieces. My baby is growing up.

Then Fenix and Matt cuddled.

And Matt made awesome silly faces.

Oh, didn't I tell you? We like to eat our son. He is delicious.

Fenix attacking daddy.

Fenix and his famous bottom lip. He gives Bubba from Forrest Gump a run for his money.

Not so patiently waiting for our table.

My oh so squishy Valentine. 

Don't mind my awkwardly placed hand, the fact that I look like poop and that my son looks nothing like me. Except his eyes. THOSE ARE ALL MINE.

Jacque the peacock only mildly entertaining Fenix. 

My son has a mo-hawk. 

I want to do lots of fun things with Fenix to celebrate little holidays but he is so little that a piece of paper will fill him with joy. I can't wait until next Valentine's Day. I will be showering my boy with lots of love: heart shaped pancakes, yummy treats, a goodie bag with little toys and possibly a picnic in the park. I am obviously very excited to actually do things with my son. I have so many years to do stuff like that but for now, he is my little tiny baby and I will settle for just cuddles and kisses.

A dedication, birthday and a first meal.

My sweet Fenix is 4 months old today! I know I say this way too often but he is growing up too fast! It seems like yesterday he was a tiny, itty-bitty newborn and now he is so big that he weighs as much as an 8 month old! Yep, he weighs 19 pounds and is 25 3 /4 inches. He is HUGE!!

This past month he has learned so much that it blows me away. He is now able to move around in his walker. In a matter of seconds he can turn completely around, mostly to stare at the television (which he isn't allowed to watch, the little stinker). He also learned to grasp things. Anything that comes in his reach is fair game: my food, phone and his personal favorite, water bottles. We have bought him so many toys yet the water bottle fascinates and entertains him just as much if not more! He is also way more vocal and loves to have conversations, blow raspberries and yell for no apparent reason. 

He is still sleeping fantastic. He falls asleep at 7-7:30, wakes up a few times and officially is out around 10. Then he wakes up once or twice to eat and goes right back to sleep until 6-7. Then he stays up for an hour or so and goes back down for his big morning nap which last 2-3 hours.

Afternoon naps are still the same. He takes 2 naps and they never last more than 45 minutes. The only difference compared to last month is that he will let me put him down in his swing to nap which is UHmazing. 

We also had his dedication on January 29th. For those who don't know, we as Christians don't baptize our babies like Catholics do. We believe that all babies/children go to heaven and that being baptized is a personal decision. Instead we make a promise that we will raise him in accordance to God's word until he is old enough to make a decision to follow God.

The day was completely perfect and also beyond tiring. Planning parties and being a mom will leave you feeling exhausted like you have never known. 

The service started at 11am and our entire family came! We went on stage in front of everyone and my high school pastor Chad (he also married us) lead the prayer for Fenix. 

I can never convey how much of an honor and privilege it is to be a mother to Fenix. God chose us to raise, love and teach this sweet little baby. When we dedicated Fenix we took a vow before our family and God, much like our marriage vows. They are both promises that I take very seriously. 

We only got a few pictures at the church but majority were taken at the after party! There are a lot!

Seeing if Fenix would go to Chad.

Fenix absolutely loved him!

Oh and it was my 25th birthday! Best. Birthday. Ever.

This was my second favorite.

As you can see, Fenix is LOVED. I really can't imagine raising my son without God's help or our families.

To celebrate being a whole 4 months old, Fenix got to try rice cereal for the first time!! I have been DYING for Fenix to try food. My guy has one hearty appetite and I sometimes can't keep up. He also meets almost all of the milestones that babies should reach before they start food. I know some people say 6 months or longer if they are breastfed but when it comes to Fenix, I research everything and always go with my gut. You can start as early as 4 months and I know that he is ready. I am only going to feed him once a day to get him used to eating food. In a week I will introduce sweet potato, wait a few days and then try squash. After those veggies I will give him bananas and pears. I am also starting him on all organic food. Happybaby, Plum Organics, Earth's Best & Ella's Kitchen will be what I buy him. Every decision I make I wonder, "How will this impact Fenix?" I have to set a good example in everything I do and that includes good eating habits. 

This was his first official meal.

And here he is trying to figure out what the heck I am putting in his mouth.

First bite.

Whaaaat.

Still not sure.

mmmm.

I think he likes it.

Fingers taste better with cereal on them, duh.

Blowing raspberries.

...And he is done!

Overall he took to cereal really well. Within a few bites he knew what to do when the spoon came near. His grandmas and great-grandma were there to watch him. We were all laughing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing at him. Every little thing he does we celebrate!

So January and the first two days of February have been amazing. As cheesy as it sounds, every day with Fenix is a new adventure. I love being a mom and I am learning so much thanks to my son. I am proud of who I am today and it took me almost 25 years to get this point and I couldn't be happier!

"As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1:26-28