Note: I will be discussing some hot topic issues. I in no way intend to start a debate nor do I mean to bash any opposing views. I researched and prayed about all of these issues. This is how I feel and I am entitled to my views and opinions. Respect mine and I will respect yours.
My son is only 4 months old and I can't count the number of times when I have been completely overwhelmed with guilt.
When I became pregnant I was obsessed with researching everything and anything. I took my prenatal vitamins religiously. I probably had a few sips of soda through out my whole pregnancy. I ate lots of vegetables and rarely ate fast food. I made sure to not get stressed out because I didn't want it to affect the baby. I did everything I thought I should do to make sure that Fenix would be healthy. If I ate or did anything that wasn't deemed perfect, I stressed about it. Mom guilt was already affecting me and I had no idea!
Well he was born the picture of health but mom guilt came back full force when I was still in the hospital. I was breastfeeding and I had it in my mind that there was no way that I would give my baby formula. No matter what it took, how much pain I was in or how exhausted I was, I was going to breastfeed my baby! Well, it was going really well but Fenix was not getting full and eating every hour or so, leaving me utterly sleep deprived. The lactation consultant told me that I should supplement formula to keep him full. I was shocked that a lactation consultant was telling me to feed my baby formula! Weren't they supposed to be 100% about breastfeeding? The thought of giving my baby formula left me feeling defeated. I was obviously doing something wrong and I was letting my son down. Luckily, we had the sweetest, patient and incredibly informed nurses. On our last day we had a nurse named Rose. She explained that the only reason we would be giving him formula would be to top him off. It would in no way replace breastfeeding him but it would act like dessert; we would only give him a little bit after he was done nursing so that way he would get full. It literally changed our lives! My child was FULL! Mama was happy and baby was happy. That guilt only lasted two days.
When I was pregnant and we found out we were expecting a boy the topic of circumcision came up. My family hasn't had a boy in over 30 years so I was completely unfamiliar when it came to boys in general. I just thought that circumcision is what you do when you have a boy. It really wasn't a question and I never once researched it, which was not a wise move on my part. Also, Matt's family is all boys and circumcision is something his parents strongly believe in and they encouraged us to do so as well.
After Fenix was born we discussed with nurses how to properly take care of Fenix after the procedure. Slowly, I started thinking about what they were going to be doing to my baby and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is going to to be in extreme pain. Just the idea of him being in a minute amount of pain made me want to throw up and scream. My mama instincts kicked in and I couldn't bare to see my child in pain. I am supposed to protect my child from harm, not inflict pain on him. I cried a lot during the days leading up to his appointment. Just thinking about it brought me to tears. Matt felt very strongly about getting it done. It was something we were going to do and that was that.
A week after he was born we drove to his appointment and I cried the entire way. I felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest while simultaneously being punched in the stomach. We waited in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity and I cried and cried and cried some more. We got called in and we met with my OB/GYN (they also perform circumcisions). I really LOVE my OB. I absolutely trust him and if it wasn't for him Fenix would not be here but that is a whole different story for a separate post. When he came in, Matt told him that he would be staying and that I would wait outside. Our Dr. said that he does not recommend that parents stay in the room while the procedure is done. He explained that it is not pretty and it is traumatizing for parents to witness. I felt sick. If just seeing the procedure is traumatic then how the heck are these poor babies feeling? Misery, torture, unrelenting agony? No. This felt so wrong that I wanted to take my baby and run far away. I looked over at Matt and he looked like he was changing his mind after hearing what the doctor said. He told us that the decision was ultimately up to us and he didn't want us to make that choice unless we were certain. He said that he would give us some time to think about it and when we made our decision he would come back. As soon as he left the room we got on our phones and started researching the pros and cons. Twenty minutes later and I was still against it and Matt was still unsure. We talked with our Dr. and we had a week to come to a resolution. Once babies reach 2 weeks any Doctor won't perform the procedure because nerve endings have formed and it would then be really painful instead of just "kind of painful". We made a follow up appointment for a week after just in case.
That week was one of the most stressful of my life. Matt I discussed it multiple times a day and I couldn't talk about it without bawling my eyes out. I didn't want to do it. Period. I begged Matt to make up his mind and decide that we weren't doing it. I had knots in my stomach. It was just awful. When it comes to making decisions for my child it should not feel this wrong and I should not feel the way I felt. I am well aware that certain choices would cause my son pain like vaccinations but I could justify that pain. He needs those shots so he can be protected from life threatening illnesses. When it came down to it, other than for personal hygiene, circumcision was a cosmetic procedure. Like a nose job or a face lift it is also not covered by insurance. It is a choice.
When Matt finally came to the conclusion that we weren't going to do it I nearly collapsed on the floor. I felt like I was underwater for way too long and I was now able to come to the surface and take a breath.
I wanted to make the best decision for my son and I can say without a doubt that I am happy with what we decided. This guilt lasted almost a week.
When Fenix was 2 months old we decided it was time for him to sleep in his bed (I talked about this briefly here.) There was no way on earth that our child was going to sleep in our bed for many reasons: SIDS, not wanting to be kicked/hit in the middle of the night, not having to worry about waking him up while we talked or watched tv and the most important, having one room in the whole house that is just ours.
The first night was excruciating. As soon as he started crying my first instinct was to go in his room, pick him up and comfort him. How in the world does a mother ignore that urge!? I just sat on the couch and my heart ached so badly that it actually caused me physical pain. Never in my life have I felt anything like it. This went on for 3 tormenting nights. On the fourth night I started putting on head phones and listening to music very loudly to drown out his cries. If I couldn't hear it then it didn't exist, right? Ignorance was truly bliss in this circumstance. I was still unsure about letting him cry it out. I read so many articles that said it was basically evil and that he wasn't going to learn how to trust us. However, I felt that if we kept going in his room that he would learn that all he had to was cry and mommy would come in. He had to learn to self soothe and go to sleep. I was so conflicted. Just like every other parenting decision, there was not a right answer. What may work for one family and sometimes each child, may not work for us. We had to do what works for us. As the nights went on Fenix started crying less and less. Fast forward to two weeks later and he was going down and crying for only a few minutes! This guilt lasted the longest: 2 weeks.
A reason I love blogging is that it can be so cathartic and therapeutic. I started this post with the intention of venting my frustration with mom guilt and how it can sometimes be detrimental to my growth as a mother. Now I am realizing that as tough as it was to make those decisions, in the end I always went with my gut and to this day I am still confident in what I chose. I also need to realize that I am much smarter than I give myself credit. I know there are going to be many tough choices throughout his life. As long as I am making well thought out and informed decisions that is all you can really ask for. Prayer also helps tremendously!
