Giving it up

Matt and I have been discussing and praying about our family situation and what is best for all of us. I am incredibly blessed that Matt fully supports my desire to be a stay at home mom. He also believes that it is what's best for Fenix and he understands that it is something I am so passionate about and that I couldn't be happier staying home and raising our boy. We are also aware that in order for us to have a two bedroom apartment close to our family and to his work, pay all of our bills, put money into savings and have money to go on yearly vacations (nothing extravagant but places like Big Bear, San Diego, Yosemite, etc) we would both have to be working full time. That may sound completely normal to majority of people but for us, that is something we can't do. I was put on this earth to stay home and raise my babies. God put this desire on my heart and it is something I can't ignore. The thought of going to work and leaving Fenix; even with my mom or my mother in law, where he would be in great hands; makes me sick to my stomach. I can't be away from him. My heart is breaking into a million pieces just thinking about it. I don't want to miss anything during his childhood. God willing, we also want to have more kids which would be incredibly hard if I am working full time. Leaving Fenix while I work is heartbreaking but leaving two of my kids is unimaginable. 

If the thought of myself working full time isn't a possibility than what are our other options? We have definitely thought of moving out of the state for years. It is absolutely mind blowing to look at other states and see that the cost of living, pretty much everywhere else in the US, is astronomically cheaper. An average two bedroom apartment in Orange County is going to cost you $1400-$1500. Outside California it can range from $600 for a decent apartment and up to $1000 for a huge, brand new apartment with a washer and dryer and tons of amenities.

I have to admit, the idea of moving somewhere other than Southern California is terrifying. I have never lived anywhere else and I am completely spoiled by the weather, or lack of. Another huge factor is our church. WACC is so incredibly important and special to us. I have so many wonderful friends that attend which makes bible studies and mom groups that much more special and that is the church that I want to raise my son in.

The main reason that makes me not want to move is our families. We have never been more than an hour away from them and especially now, with Fenix, we need them now more than ever. To say they would be devastated if we moved would be an understatement.

So, what do we do? Do we stay in California, where our family, friends and church will be close but I work full time (making me completely miserable) and we live on a tight budget. Or do we move out of state where I can be a stay at home mom, Matt wouldn't need to do as much over time resulting in him being home more, we would have a much more disposable income but we would be far from our families, friends, church and everything I have ever known.

As much as I want to stress out about this decision, I can't. The best part is that I don't need to. All I need to do is pray. It's that simple yet it so isn't. I want to be in control of our lives and important decisions like this. I am impatient and I want answers now. I want someone to tell me what the best choice will be for my family because I have no clue. Whatever choice we make, someone won't be happy. Whether it is me because I have to work and be away from Fenix or our families because we live far away.

We are going to continue to pray and I ask if you could pray for wisdom and guidance for our family.